


that weird in between of remembering

by moth_them



Series: remembering?????? [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, half life but the ai is self aware
Genre: Cats, Deaf Joshua Freeman, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Memory Loss, Other, Previously dead character, Regeneration, Resurrection, Sort Of, The original character is benrey's mom, They/Themrey, Trans Gordon Freeman, in between the first two fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27418597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moth_them/pseuds/moth_them
Summary: Benrey comes back but they've lost their memories! What antics will insue?reading they used to be friends on my page will give a little bit of context :]
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: remembering?????? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056239
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	that weird in between of remembering

**Author's Note:**

> joshua is like,,, six :] like that age where he still needs help sometimes and mostly like yells n stuff. he can do things mostly on his own tho

They were on their back on a couch, they thought. There was something warm on their chest and they could just barely hear someone talking. It sounded like when you dip your ears into the water in a pool, and you can't hear anything right anymore except your own blood drumming in your ears. Except.. they don't hear that drumming right now. Just the rumbling from the warmth on their chest.  
Who were they?  
Where were they?  
They tried to focus on that voice. The voice wasn't talking to them, it didn't sound like.  
"Tommy, what the hell do I do? They're on my couch, and they're-" There was a sharp intake of breath. The voice continued in a whisper and they sighed. They tried moving carefully, but they felt completely numb. "Oh! I think they're awake- bye, Tommy." That voice said quickly, and rubbery steps approached the assumed-couch they were laying on.  
"Hey, hey, it's okay." They angled their head to the voice slowly. "You're okay, dude. It's- it's Gordon."  
They tried to clear their throat and when they spoke it was barely audible and raspy. "who?"  
The silence was borderline painful and they tried again. "who are you? who..." They could feel their fingers drumming on the fabric of the couch. "who am i?"  
"Can- can you open your eyes?"  
"uh. maybe. i can't really, uh, feel anything." Their voice cracked and their eyes felt wet. It was like when you get sick and your eyes get all gross and crusty and for a second you think you're blind.  
"Fuck, okay, uh." The voice shuffled over and warmth settled on either side of their face and they leaned into the warmth without thinking. Hands. Thumbs gently pressed to their eyelids. The voice was laughing a bit. "I have no idea if this is helping-" They let out a rough, quiet laugh and carefully opened their eyes under the weight. They flinched them back closed at the brightness of the room.  
"Fuck, sorry!" The warmth left their face and those squeaky steps jogged away before coming back. "Okay, sorry about that, you should be ok."  
They tried opening their eyes again. It was far darker this time and they looked to the voice first. It was a guy with long curly hair and a sweatshirt emblazoned with M.I.T.  
"hot." They joked with a cough, feeling themself grin. A tingly feeling filled their face when they did. The guy laughed, rubbing his eyes under thick rectangular glasses. They angled their head down a bit to see what was on their chest and it was..  
A cat.  
A blue-gray cat.  
"sonic?" They whispered. The cat looked up at the name and purred, inching closer and rubbing along their chin. They laughed, and it dripped into a sob. Dark blue bubbles fought their way past their teeth, casting a blue glow into the dark room. The guy- _Gordon_ \- smiled sadly, still sitting beside the couch.  
"Do you feel like sitting up?" They nodded slowly. Gordon reached over, plucking Sonic off of their chest and stood to a crouch, snaking a hand to their back and carefully helping them sit up. The leaned their head on the back of the couch.  
"s'like my whole body's asleep." They mumbled.  
"I mean, I don't know where you went, but I'd assume you're body wouldn't be in 100% mode after that, Ben."  
"ben?"  
"Fuck, right." The couch dipped a few inches from them. "Your name is Benrey. Or, Benry, I guess. You're ID- sorry _passport_ \- said both."  
They closed their eyes and could vaguely hear people yelling that at them. Benrey stop, Benrey don't, just their name.  
"yeah, sounds right." They let out a quiet 'pspspsps' and Sonic clambered back into their lap, pressing against their stomach. "where am i?"  
"My apartment in Arizona."  
Arizona.  
"don't i have a house?" Benrey looked over at Gordon. "i'm like, 99% sure i have a house."  
"Yeah, you do." Gordon wouldn't look at them. "Oh, yeah!" Gordon hopped from the couch, disappearing down the hall. They frowned and turned down to Sonic.  
"hey, buddy." They mumbled, leaning down and pressing a kiss to his head. He purred. "sorry for leaving. dunno what happened."  
Gordon came back, sitting on the couch and holding something out to Benrey.  
"You were holding this when you came back."  
Benrey took it. It was a blue chullo with a yellow pompom and a PS logo stitched lazily to the side. They barked out a laugh and tugged it onto their head. When they did, they could practically _see_ a memory playing out before them. Of a little kid wearing a striped shirt handing it to them with a huge, gap toothed grin.  
_"Since you don't like your hair!"_ The kid explained. The kid had long, curly hair tucked into twin braids, and thick rectangular glasses. _Gordon_.  
"ohhh, shit, you gave this to me, didn't you?" They tugged on the strings dangling off, looking back at Gordon. He smiled and nodded.  
"Yeah, when we were kids. We-"  
"used to be friends." Benrey finished, closing their eyes. "right."

Benrey was staring down at their phone. Gordon had shown them how to use it a few hours ago, before he went to sleep. They were zoned out on the failed screen of Candy Crush. They were thinking about wherever they were _before_. That endlessly dark, crushing place they were in before they turned up on Gordon's couch.  
According to Gordon, that's literally how it happened. He was going to go for a walk when he saw them.  
Anyways.  
The void.  
Benrey had avoided thinking about it the past couple of days. It made them breathe all quick and feel all panicky.  
It was weird. They could remember remembering things in that void, but not what they remembered.  
They know it was a memory with Gordon. With his dumb curly hair and gap tooth.  
There was a frog.  
A woman they can't see properly.  
"Ben?"  
They looked up. Gordon was standing at the edge of the hall.  
"You good, man? You're in the exact same spot I left you in."  
"uhh, yeah, m'fine. why are- uh- why are you awake?"  
"Couldn't sleep..." He squinted at Benrey. "Are you sure you're okay?"  
"um." They coughed up spicy, fire colored sweet voice that floated in the air around them for a moment. The firey colors of embers means I can't remember. That had been happening a lot, lately.  
Gordon shuffled over to the couch, sitting on the other end. "Do you want to... talk about it?"  
"uh." Benrey shrugged, tugging on the strings of his hat.  
"Ok, how old are you?"  
"like, 14."  
"Where is it?"  
"like aaaaa foresty place."  
"Who's in it?"  
"..." Benrey stared hard at their knees. "you."  
"Oh! I know-" Gordon smiled softly, leaning his head back on the couch. "I know what you're talking about."  
Benrey looked up at him. "huh?"  
"We were having a little picnic in the woods by your house. We saw a freaky herd of deer, and I stole a frog." Gordon was scratching at his right sleeve. "You named the frog Link."  
"oh." Benrey shuffled, staring at their feet. "yeah, i kinda remember that, i guess. but, uh-"  
They paused, pursing their lips. "there was a chick, too. i can't, uh, see her face, ever. but she felt warm."  
Gordon stared at Benrey, furrowing his brow. "I don-" He stopped, his face loosening. "Oh. That's, uh... That's kinda weird, man. I'm sorry." Benrey could practically hear the gears whirring in Gordon's head.  
"uh-"  
"So-"  
Benrey laughed, covering their face. Gordon grinned, pausing the itching of his sleeve.  
"Go on, dude, my bad."  
"uh, i was-" Benrey let out a whistle-y breath through their teeth. "s'gonna ask for a hug." They whispered.  
"Oh!" Gordon smiled and scooted over on the couch. "Yeah, sure." Benrey let out a quiet 'hrk-' sound and moved over, wrapping their arms around Gordon's neck. They tucked their head against his shoulder and tried to keep their breathing even.  
"Are you sure you're okay, Benrey?" Gordon's breath messed with the hair sticking out from Benrey's hat.  
"uh, yeah, maybe. no." Benrey grit their teeth. "tried thinking about before i showed up, but made me feel all weird and i got all spacey. breathing was not uh, cool." Gordon hummed quietly, his arms tightening their grip just a little bit. Not enough for Benrey to notice.  
"I'm sorry, Ben. I think I know what you're talking about, that happened a lot to me when I first got home."  
"mm." Benrey closed their eyes. Gordon was really warm.  
"Are you going to sleep?"  
"shhhhhhhhh." Benrey whispered, clumsily patting Gordon's face. "sleep time, sh." Gordon chuckled, leaning his head on Benrey's.  
"Cool. Sleep good, dude."

"Hey, Ben, I'll be back in a couple hours, okay? Please don't burn anything down, there's microwaveable food in the fridge."  
"huh, wuh?" Benrey sat up from their spot on the couch. "where, uh, where're you goin', feetman?" They fumbled with their PS4 remote, pausing their game.  
"I'm picking up Joshie, he has winter break with me." Gordon pulled on his hoodie.  
"uhh, cool..." Benrey squinted, trying to remember that name.  
"My son."  
"uh huh."  
"... You're not going to burn anything down, right?"  
".. for sure."  
"... Okay... Bye, Benrey..."  
"..." Gordon and Benrey turned to stare at each other at the same time and the two burst into laughter, yellow sweet voice filling the living room.  
"Ok, _bye_ , Benrey." Gordon paused just before he closed the door. "Also, Josh is deaf, so please be nice. Don't make fun of him."  
"cool, cool." Benrey laid back down, unpausing their game. Gordon chuckled and Benrey listened to the lock of the door and the nice little slide-click noise it made. They turned back to their game but couldn't quite focus right, making them fuck up repeatedly.

"Ben, we're back!" Benrey didn't respond. They were chilling in a weird mini fort they made between the coffee table and the couch, a lazy stream of sweet voice lighting up the small space. "Benrey?" Gordon's steps turned the corner into the living room and he let out a startled laugh.  
"oh. hey, feetman."  
"Hey, Benrey. What- what're you doing?"  
"uh, fuuuuuu- vibing, clearly." Benrey chewed their lip. "can, uh, he hear me?"  
"Yeah."  
"daaaaa- dang."  
"Can you come out and meet him, maybe?"  
"uh. i guess." Benrey slid out from under their fort, standing far too quickly for a person. They turned to Josh, who was standing there, clutching a little suitcase with cowboy stickers. "looks-"  
"Finish that sentence, I dare you."  
"nice, uh, cowboys." Benrey clenched and unclenched their fists, looking anywhere but the kid. Joshua absolutely lit up, though, throwing up two finger guns with a huge grin.  
"Yeah, buddy, cowboys!" Gordon grinned.  
"does he-" Benrey lowered his voice quickly. "does he talk?"  
"His dad is gonna start taking him to speech therapy in January, so not really, not yet. Makes him nervous." Gordon whispered back. "He mostly uses sign language."  
"oh, cool. i know, uh, some." Benrey looked back at Joshua. They felt themselves cringing. Talking to people is not their thing, especially not kids. "do you have a lotta cowboys? like, any toys?" They tried to sign along with their words, but they were pretty shit. Joshua seemed to understand, though, and he started flapping his hands, opening his suitcase quickly and taking out two dolls.  
"yo, no way! wood- uh- woody and jessie!" Joshua nodded excitedly, walking over. Benrey squat down, watching Joshua excitedly show off the toys with loud, excited babbling. Benrey grinned, watching Joshua force Woody and Jessie to introduce themselves. Benrey used to like Toy Story. They could remember someone laughing and replaying the movie over and over again to the excited pleading of Benrey. That same warmth from that one memory was there, so they assume it was the same lady.  
"Joshie, you should probably go shower." Gordon interrupted Benrey's slow descent into thought. "So we can go out to eat." Joshua perked up at the mention of going out and threw up a quick 'ok' sign, running over to his suitcase and dragging it to his room.  
"cute, uh, cute kid." Benrey absently started chewing on one of the strings of their hat. "how good can he hear? like does he got lil uhhh hearing thingies?"  
"Yeah, he has hearing aides. His hearing is good when they're in, signing when your talking just helps him out." Gordon seemed to remember something and yelled down the hall. "Take out your hearing aides before you shower, Joshua!"  
"I know!" Joshua yelled back. His speaking sounded fine to Benrey. They wondered why he needed to go to speech therapy for it.  
"Anyways, yeah. Just signing when you can is cool." Benrey nodded absently, feeling themself start to space out. "You should probably shower too-"  
"huh?" Benrey looked up, blinking. "w- uh, why would i need to shower?"  
Gordon stared at them. "So you can go out with us? I mean, unless you don't want to, of course, then you can just chill out in your little gamer fort you made there-" He started rambling, fiddling with his glasses and laughing awkwardly.  
"oh. just thought you wouldn't want me to infect the little guy with my epicness." Gordon furrowed his eyebrows.  
"Benrey, you know I like you, right? You're my friend, man." Benrey closed their eyes.  
"uh huh, yeah. sure." They bit their cheek. They had one memory that was fucking with them. Not that they'll tell Gordon about it. Or anyone. Ever.  
It's their memory.  
One for themself.  
"Cool, I'm gonna go get changed. Please, uh, clean up your fort."  
"sure."


End file.
